


Unaccompanied Minor

by audreycritter



Series: Cor Et Cerebrum [24]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Tumblr Prompts, bruce sometimes plays along, diana is a troll, jason is sometimes an ass, no profreading we die like mne
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-14 17:48:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10541466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/audreycritter/pseuds/audreycritter
Summary: Jason is pretty fond of his new complaint: "Why couldn't Wonder Woman have adopted me instead?"Bruce is getting pretty tired of it.Tumblr request.





	

Jason Todd has been moping around the manor for five weeks when Bruce has finally, finally had enough. He likes having him there, he really does, and most of the time it works out just fine.

Except Jason has picked up the awful, grating habit of muttering, “Why couldn’t Wonder Woman have adopted me instead?” every single time he’s even mildly annoyed. In his defense, Bruce visibly flinched the first time Jason said it, half-joking, and he’s been throwing it around since then probably in hopes of getting a similar reaction which Bruce will not give him the satisfaction of seeing.

Jason is pretty fond of his new catchphrase and the week that Bruce reaches his limit is the same week Jason makes sure he overhears it while Jason is talking to Alfred, Damian, Tim, Dev, and Dick, in that order. The final straw is when he’s sitting on the floor in the study while Bruce works at the desk, and Jason puts his book down to ruffle Titus’ ears and without provocation says it to the dog.

“You’re a good boy,” he says to the drooling face, the dog’s whole body shaking in excitement. “I never had a dog. Why couldn’t Wonder Woman have adopted me instead? She’d let me have a dog.”

Bruce slams the folder in front of him shut and Jason waits for the shout or the tense reassurance that Jason could, in fact, procure a dog if he so desired.

But instead Bruce picks up his cell phone.

“Diana,” he says after a moment. “I have a problem.”

Jason stops petting Titus to listen and Bruce stands and leaves the room.

“Get a bag,” Bruce says stiffly when he returns, Jason still sitting and too shell-shocked to move. “Now.”

And if Bruce is going to take it to the next level, Jason is going to match him step for effing step. He throws stuff in a duffel upstairs and stomps back down toward the front, where he finds Bruce waiting.

“Hurry up,” Bruce says. “She’ll be here soon.”

Jason follows him to the end of the lane where Bruce takes the duffel bag and motions for him to sit down on it. Bewildered, amused, angry, and still silent, Jason complies.

Bruce pulls something out of his pocket and then crouches and safety pins a piece of paper to Jason’s shirt.

“Ow,” Jason mutters, even though the pin didn’t actually prick him.

“Sorry,” Bruce says, and Jason feels a touch of guilt but doesn’t fess up. “We’ll miss you. Have fun.”

And then Bruce leaves.

A few minutes later, a car turns into the drive and stops. The window rolls down and Dev looks at him. Tim is in the passenger seat on the far side, with wide eyes, sipping something orange through a plastic straw.

“Mate,” Dev says, leaning out the window to look around a bit.

“Yep,” Jason says.

The note on his chest says UNACCOMPANIED MINOR. GUARDIAN: DIANA PRINCE.

Jason isn’t a minor but he’ll let this detail slide for now.

“I’m calling his bluff,” Jason says, and Tim snorts.

“Bloody hell,” Dev grumbles and rolls up the window and drives toward the manor.

Another few minutes go by, slow in the early fall afternoon, and then there’s a soft whoosh and Wonder Woman lands on her booted feet in front of him. For all his bravado, he hasn’t actually spent all that much time in front of her, and if he’s honest, she still intimidates him far more than Clark ever does. He forces himself to give her what he hopes is a cheeky grin.

“Hiya,” he says. “Guess you’re the new mom.”

“Your father conveyed such wishes,” she replies solemnly.

She looks up and Jason turns at the sound of footsteps approaching across the fine gravel. It’s Bruce again, this time with a mug in his hand. He raises it to Diana slightly in greeting.

“He is certain?” Diana asks and Jason is starting to feel a little nervous. She sounds so serious.

“Ask him,” Bruce says, with a shrug. He stops and puts one hand in his pocket while he sips the coffee. “He’s been talking about it for months.”

“Are you certain?” Diana asks Jason and Jason is still unwilling to back down. At some point, one of them has to break and either admit it’s a huge farce or beg him to change his mind.

“Yep,” Jason says. “So, whaddaya say we get the frick outta here?”

“I have always wanted a son,” she says, now beaming. “I always thought it unlikely to find one that agreed to the terms of Themyscira.”

“You’ve found him,” Jason says, giving Bruce a slightly alarmed look. He was not made aware of terms.

“Do not trouble yourself,” Diana says, seeing his expression. “Castration is a brave but noble undertaking to dwell among my women. And we are not barbarians. You will be permitted to be sedated for the procedure if you desire it. There is no shame.”

Jason feels the blood rush to his cheeks and then immediately drain from his head.

“The–” is all he gets out. The world around him has gone fuzzy, wrapped in gauze and protected from sound.

He does not hear or see Bruce sputter into his coffee.

But he does turn to look at Bruce after and mistakes the attempt at Bruce’s self-recovery for a dark scowl.

So, Jason figures he brought this on himself.

“Shall we go?” Diana asks.

“I…” Jason looks dumbly down at the note on his chest and tears it off with a frown. “I think I’ll stay,” he says faintly.

“That is unfortunate but understandable. I have reason to believe your current family holds great affection for you,” Diana says kindly.

“Sorry to waste your time,” Bruce says, as Jason climbs to his feet and says a hasty goodbye. The boy goes up into the manor and disappears inside.

“How did I do?” Diana asks, smiling at Bruce.

“Fine,” he says, scant on praise as usual. “The castration bit was a little over the top, don’t you think?”

“It was very effective,” Diana retorts. And Bruce can’t argue with that.

“Thanks again,” Bruce says. “I’m going to go do damage control.”

“It was my pleasure,” Diana says before flying away. Bruce watches her go and then turns back to the house. When he goes inside, Jason is sitting on the steps in the foyer with a defiant glare.

“I wish the Kents had adopted me,” he snaps before Bruce can speak. “They’d never do something like this.”

Bruce opens his mouth and for a long moment, is frozen, but then he laughs and holds out an arm. Jason is still sulking, pretty convincingly for someone wearing combat boots and almost as tall as Bruce.

He steps right into the hug with his arms stiff at his sides and his chin dipped down. Bruce squeezes him, an arm firm around Jason’s shoulders.

“You didn’t really think I’d let her take you, did you?” he asks.

Jason grumbles something indistinct and shakes his head.

“You know she was joking, right?”

“Fuck me,” Jason mutters in disgust and relief at once. “I’m never gonna be able to even look at her again.”

“Give it a few months,” Bruce says. “You’ll survive. And maybe stop throwing your dad out with the bathwater every time I turn around.”

“Are you calling yourself a baby?” Jason asks without looking up, but Bruce can hear the grin in Jason’s voice.

“Maybe. Maybe I’m sensitive.”

Jason barks a laugh against Bruce’s shoulder and steps back.

“Deal,” he says.

“Crap,” Tim says from the top of the stairs. They both look up to where Tim and Damian both have armfuls of books and action figures from Jason’s room.

“Put those back,” Jason orders sharply, already hurrying toward the stairs. “Now, you miscreants.”

“Why did you permit a return policy, Father?” Damian asks, stepping back and tightening his grip. Tim has already fled and abandoned him there. Damian wastes no more time in following and Jason’s heavy boots sound out as he storms down the hall. There are outraged shouts and a scream a moment later.

“Change of heart, sir?” Alfred asks calmly, walking by with a tray of tea things.

“Something like that,” Bruce says, still looking up the stairs and trying to decide if it’s worth intervening. There’s another yell and he decides they’ll come for help if they need it.

Probably.

Maybe.

There’s a loud crash.

He shakes his head and goes upstairs.

“I knew she wasn’t serious,” he mutters to himself when there’s another crash. “Why didn’t I go with her?”


End file.
